A Roid Rant

"Going, Going, Gone..."

It's about that time...

Catchers and pitchers check into the clubhouse tomorrow morning. Screw the groundhog- Baseball is the first sign of spring.

As my spirit welcomes the commencement of America's past-time, I wonder what has changed about the game over its winter hibernation. As of now, the stove still simmers with remnants of Ramirez and the crowds watch with disgust as our collection of 'roiders spreads its spoiled smell to those with uninspired nicknames (I plead the 5th). This brings me to my roid-rant....

Ready, set, go...

What is wrong with you Bud Selig? How can you stand by as years of tradition and celebrated feats are pillaged with roid rage? How can you possibly let those offenders walk away with the bazillions of dollars they've stolen from young fans everywhere. They are not legends... Hank Aaron was a legend. It's sad to think that more kids today know that A-Rods been romantically linked to Madonna than know the legend of Aaron.

Today I am going to play 'pretend'. I'm going to pretend I am Bud Selig. Here is what I would have to say to: A Rod, Tejada, Bonds, Mcgwire, Clemans, and those of similar likes...

Dear Lame-ohs,
You suck. You are charged with the following:

One count of Attempted murder in the first degree: You attempted to steal this sacred game and murder its soul.

Numerous* Counts of Fraud and Misrepresentation: You never earned your stats, you created a facade that gave the public a holographic view of your supposed achievements.

Three counts of Felony Robbery
• You stole the hearts of many devoted fans.

• You stole money. In fact, A Rod, you stole more money than any other professional athlete has ever made.

• You stole our trust. Some of you fools play the ignorant card; others continue to lie. I'm not going to judge one above the other because it all sucks.


* Numerous in this case will equate to your total number of at-bats.

So boys, there you have it. Be prepared to suffer. Here are your penalties:

Fines: Half of the money you have made in your professional career must be donated to non-profits of my choice. You are banned from signing any endorsement deals with the exception of the following products: diapers, douches, and male enhancement drugs.

Suspension: You will be suspended for one season

Parole: You will be on parole for the rest of your professional lives and asked to do random drug tests.

Legacy: You are banned from Cooperstown. Also your career stats are considered null and void.

Have a good day,

Commissioner Miller